forgotten things

I have several instances I keep remembering as I'm trying to write this blog.
1- the flight of terror (as my friend calls it) So I went to high school with a boy named Nic. He now flies a small plane for fun and invited me and my husband to go for a flight with him. There is no way that my husband would do it. He kind of hates flying and doesn't love putting his life in stranger's hands. My dad agreed to come with me and we were excited for a fun adventure. My mom drove the van with my kids (2 at the time) and dad and me met Nic at the air field. While in the air we had so much fun. It was a wierd feeling being in such a small airplane, almost like I was on a ride at Lagoon or something. He even taught me how to fly the plane and I took over for several minutes. I started losing feeling in my feet. The numbness moved quickly through my body. I had Nic take back control of the plane as the movement was lost from my entire body. I was numb from my toes up to my head. When I tried to voice my concern to my dad in the back seat I could not speak because my tongue was also numb. I just gave him a concerned look and pleaded for help. Nic did an emergency landing in a field and called his father who is a doctor. After we landed i still  had no feeling in my body. They had to removed me from the plane by carrying me. After about 15 minutes, as we were leaving to head to the ER Nic's dad got there (he is actually a psychologist) but had medical training. He thought I had a nervous breakdown kind of thing.....like a severe anxiety attack. I had NEVER had anything this sort in my life. I was always looking for adventure and loved the high of being nervous. On the way home in the van with my mom and dad I decided I had better stop at the doctor to make sure I was going to be ok. I had started losing feeling in my hands again. grrr. This doc also said he thought it was a severe anxiety attack. whatever. I wasn't nervous about this situation and was puzzled by his answers. Really he did nothing to help me but I went home. It was hard to tell my husband as he didn't really want me to go beforehand. I wish I had listened and not learned this lesson the hard way.
2- Leaving the kids. After losing my brother at a young age........well 17........I had a hard time, REALLY hard time leaving the people I loved. anywhere. even for a few hours. I got a church job the required me to leave my kids and camp with the youth for 5 days. As I prepared to go for several months I felt like this was an impossible task. The fear and anxiety of losing one of my kids while I was away overcame me. Some days the fear would paralyze me and I knew I could not do it. I prayed and prayed and still felt as if I just couldn't do this task. Eventually I had the impression that maybe I should try counseling to relieve some of the worry and fear that I felt constantly. The images of things that might happen overwhelmed me daily and I clung to them tighter than ever. I made an appointment with a counselor from my church and had no idea what I was doing. I went to my appointment and met a true angel in my life. This woman really didn't do anything miraculous, but at the same time she did. She cried with me as I relived the events that led me to this point. She sympathized with the feelings I was having and I felt after only 1 session with her that there just might be hope. She also decided I should try some meds for anxiety to help me through this. The second day on meds I was invited to a group get together. When I stood up to tell everyone how my husband and I had met something happened to my body for the first time ever. It felt as if I was going to pass out, in fact I did black out. My heart pounded out of my chest and my body started "shutting down?" I had never experienced this before. I was so scared. I had my husband help me out to the car and we went home. After 2 more days on these meds I slowly went off of  them. I never wanted to feel that way, so out of control of my body, EVER again. I just got more upset about what was happening to me and had to rely more on God and my family to make it through this dark time. I was depressed, I was anxious, I was full of fear and dread and couldn't find my way out. I continued seeing the counselor and started feeling the light at the end of the tunnel. My body seemed to have recovered from whatever had happened with those meds. After many weeks I packed to go. I felt as if I could do this. I had planned every minute of the kids days, who would have them and how they would get to the different places. It was hard to drive away but I felt oddly at peace as I left. I called to check in a few times but honestly enjoyed the week away and learned to love the girls I was with. The last night I couldn't control my tears as I expressed to everyone (a very condensed, less personal version) the things I had gone through to prepare to be there. I expressed and truly believe that I had learned to trust God again for the first time since my brother died. A piece of me had healed that I never thought could.